The darkness has seeped deeper into my heart

I meant for this blog to be a documentation of my life in general but I find myself blogging whenever I am upset, particularly over dementors (i.e. dentists). A few months ago, I made the valiant effort to push of my demons by finding the best dementor possible in Singapore and going for a visit. I was supposed to follow up the consult with a scaling and polishing but guess what? I chickened out. So far, I still haven't gone back and my fear has increased so much such that I am cold sweating just by typing out this blog post. It seems like, far from banishing my fears, I have increased them.

Come my dear, come to me and let me eat your soul

What I regret now is that I did not consent to simply getting Dr Alan Chan get the scaling and polishing over and done with on the spot. I let my fear rule me for a moment and now I can't make myself face it again. Wonderful. I have exams coming up so I have no time to grapple with my demons. Dr Chan, if you ever read this post, however unlikely it may be, if you ever have another patient like me, push her to get whatever she needs done on the spot. The moment she leaves, chances are, she'll never come back. 

I plan to just focus on my exams first and deal with the demons later. I don't know how I am going to find in myself the courage to do this. Part of me suspects that my demons have become so much a part of me that I am reluctant to let them go.. sigh... 

Phantom of the Opera~~ Whee~~

Lately, many bad things happened in my life. I had another very scary panic attack over dentists a.k.a. dementors because I was tired and contemplating the inevitability of it. Why is it that serial killers can successfully evade the law, as proven in history, but we law abiding citizens, innocent children and scared teenage girls cannot avoid dementors? Life is really cruel, isn't it.

Bad thing number 2: I annoyed one of my friends because she felt I was spending too much time with another friend, a guy who I almost had a crush on. I talked it out with her and settled the problem but it still sucks.

Bad thing number 3: I have so much work but so little time before my block tests in July and I'm really stressed.

But the one GOOD THING is.. I GET TO WATCH PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!! My dad agreed to pay because I did rather well for SAT subject tests. 800 for Biology M and 780 for Math 2. I could have gotten higher for math (sigh, I was hoping for double 800s) but it's good enough :D

Singapore is not exactly Broadway so obviously, there aren't many good plays available all year round and tickets to phantom are expensive and nearly sold out. Nevertheless, I hope I can get a semi decent seat! Gonna go get the tickets on Mon!!! Yay!!!

Phantom here I come~!

Can't wait!!

Can the phantom be even hotter? *squeals*

Her expression... beautiful..

NAPFA test

For my readers who don't know what NAPFA is, it is basically a stupid PE test. They make us run 2.4 km, do sit ups and all sorts of other torture. Well, I think I barely scraped a pass in my 2.4 km run but it has pretty much ruined my health for the past few days. I am quite amazed at my willpower, really. Or maybe I am just secretly masochistic. I don't exercise much. I used to do ballet every week but I have stopped my lessons to focus on A Levels and that has caused my fitness level to suffer. This year, I started bleeding, like menstrual blood, every time after I run. This just shows how the Singaporean education system works. They push us so hard. They harp on and on about holistic education but all it means is that now we not only have to get perfect grades but must be perfect leaders, artists and sportsmen. In this system, I may be bleeding inside but I can't show it outside. 7 months of suffering more

You are only as invincible as your smallest weakness.. I should be dead by now

Well, I really hate myself sometimes. I, like all humans, am inherently weak. I can't bring myself to go back to the dentist. I give up. I am getting suicidal just thinking about it and my grades are suffering. I will regret this later but I am going to delay going back to the dentist until after my A Levels. At least, if it gets bad enough, I'll have the excuse to go through everything under general anesthesia or heavy sedation. It might seem silly to you, my dear reader, that a mere scaling and polishing can have me in such dark dark moods but the fear runs so deep. It's ridiculous, really. But I can't help it. All I can do now is study hard, try to take care of my teeth and pray for the best. Maybe after all my exams are over, I can pluck up the courage to go. Am I pathetic? I think so..

Lost. Dark. Pain.

In the past few days, my life has been incredibly stressful... mostly because of school work. I come from a rather good school and of course, the pressure and competition there is ridiculous. It has come to a point where I feel that I am stupid and I started having nightmare imaginings of everyone getting straight As and me getting straight Us (which is the lowest fail grade). Rationally looking at my results, I have improved for every subject except math. However, just because of one math paper that I screwed up, I feel that I'm just more stupid than everyone in this world. It has come to the point where I am having panic attacks in class whenever I can't do a question or my friend finishes the question way faster than me. I am trying to look at it rationally and tell myself that I'm not getting stupid but I'm improving but it's hard to bounce back after failing one paper when I am a usual straight A student. Life is stressful. I have a proteonomics presentation on Monday. Haizzzz

Licking (sword) wounds, finding my soul

As I was saying in my previous post, tuesday's appointment at the dentist really traumatised me again. I didn't realise it yesterday because I was focused on studying for proteonomics but now that proteonomics is over, I feel more vulnerable than ever. Thinking back, I feel violated or, for the lack of a better expression, mind-raped. Although Dr Alan Chan was really nice, I can't help but hate him. There is no way not to hate him. This is nothing personal against him, it's just that he is a dementor and I treasure my soul. I have utterly no idea how I am going to make myself go back for the scaling and polishing. Good luck to me. Sooner or later I will try to force myself to go.. for now, it's chocolates to fend of the dementor cold. Hopefully, this vulnerable feeling fades after a while.

Actually, I have to admit that the reason I feel violated is because I'm usually the victim who is dragged  to the dementor and now, I am actually making myself go. I feel like I'm betraying myself. And the very fact that he is nice proves that not all dentists are evil which goes against what I have believe for the past 10 years.

Here's a wonderful picture to describe my mood:

The road ahead is long and many will not survive. Happy walking everyone~!

From swords to alchemy.. or rather, proteonomics

Okay, I'm a nerd. I like proteonomics, enough to take it as a H3 subject.. which basically means that I have 4 extra hours of biology lesson every week to learn about proteins. Proteonomics is the new 'in' thing in biology. After the Human Genome Project, scientists realised that knowing the gene sequence does not tell them much. Genes are transcribed into proteins and stuff so the study of proteins and all the regulatory sequences and the protein-protein interactions is really important now. Anyways, enough spamming of random proteo stuff... I just had my proteo 'block test' yesterday which turned out to be a really short quiz. 10 marks in fact. I feel so cheated. I studies so hard for it and it was just a tiny quiz. I am also irritated that I forgot one of the limitations of X-ray crystallography is that it is a static method of visualising the 3D structure of proteins. Aside from that, I think I did quite well, hopefully. My normal H2 bio results for the block tests also came back and I did quite well so I'm reasonably happy. The only thing that is throwing a damper on everything is the coldness of an impending dementoring. I don't know if I mentioned this before but I think of dentists as dementors. They suck the life out of me.. shall elaborate more in the next post...