Swords were crossed.. the first battle is over

I just reached home from the dentist. It went better than I thought it would be. I actually feel a little in shock and shaky now. So what basically happened was that he explained everything he is going to do very very carefully like I'm a child and he gave me a mirror to hold so I can see what he was doing. And although I felt a little patronized, I am also extremely grateful that he was so kind. It also turned out that I do not have a cavity. According to him, it's actually gum disease and that black spot I saw was an old filling which I had forgotten about. He said that I need to come back for a scaling and polishing. Anyone knows how that feels like? Will it hurt? I'm gonna sleep on what happened today and relax a bit first then pick up the courage to book the next appointment for the procedure. 

But anyways, here's a blow by blow account if you wanna read it:
I walked into the place clutching my friend's arm and barely remembering to breathe. The receptionist got me a form to fill up and I sat on a couch with my 2 best friends to wait. There were quite a lot of flowers in the place and the place did not smell of that disgusting antiseptic that many dental clinics use. Halfway while waiting, some sounds came from inside the room and I got attacked by a memory and I started crying a bit. The receptionist offered me water and everything and was nice.

Then I went in, completely clinging onto my friend's arm and freaking out. He managed, after a few seconds, to persuade me to sit on the chair, just to talk. The chair was purple so it looked kind of cute. He asked what was wrong and eventually persuaded me to let him put the chair down so he can take a look. I was looking in the mirror all the while to see what he was doing. He showed me how easily my gums bled and gave me a pamphlet to read about gum disease. Then we spoke a bit about what happened when I was a child and he reassured me that he's not going to do anything I don't agree to. He then said that in a few years, I might have problems with my wisdom tooth and when I said I did research on that and I know what is going on, he sort of didn't believe me and quizzed me. Haha! He was a little shocked I think, when I gave all correct points 

He also told me exactly what would happen if I were to come in next time for a scaling and polishing. He showed me how each of the tools worked and even used my nail as a demonstration of how that weird polishing thingy works. He told me that there would be absolutely no surprises for the next time I come in. He also took photos of my teeth to show me what was going on. 

At the end of it, he told me to walk out myself, without clinging to my friends and said that next time I come in, I don't come in as scared. 

End of the long account.

Anyways, the only thing that concerns me a bit is that he seems to want to make money off me but I guess that is to be expected. He kept recommending me to buy toothbrushes and stuff at the end and he also talked about having me as his regular. He has quite an authoritative manner which sometimes feels reassuring and sometimes a little intimidating. But overall, this is a far cry from the childhood experiences of my past. I have taken a step to overcoming my phobia. While it will not be easy to pick up the phone to book the next appointment, I am reasonably sure I can do it! 

Anyways, to conclude this long post, I think that finding the right dentist is very important. I am taking baby steps to overcoming my phobia and I feel quite good about it 

This is the place I went to

Me and my friends

Impending doom

I am seriously scared as hell. As I type this, my heart is fluttering like that of a hummingbird's. The appointment is tomorrow. I am not even close to being mentally prepared for this. I just wish I can die on the spot. I am telling myself that I'll be the one in control tomorrow and no one is going to force me like my mum did in my childhood. Things have also changed a lot in 10 years and it probably won't be as nightmarish this time. But I'm scared. So scared. I want to faint dead away now. Death will be peaceful. Tomorrow, I'll be blogging about my trip there and I'll be posting some pictures. Hopefully, it will all go well. Omg, I'm panicking so bad, my fingers feel numb..

Before I even finish the first scene, disaster strikes

Part of the reason why I started this blog is because my demons from 10 years ago have come to torment me. I am fighting the demons but it's hard and I feel a need to document every step of this on-going battle. My demons are basically my fear of the dentist.

When I was young, my parents were not very concerned about oral health so I had never been to a dentist until when I was 7 years old and there was a dental clinic with a full time dental nurse in my school. The first time I got onto that horrible chair, I had no idea what she was going to do to me and I was too scared to ask and it just got worse when she fixed some cavities without even telling me what she was doing. She wasn't gentle with me and it became a war between me and her. I resisted going to the dental clinic and she resorted to getting huge 12 year old boys to drag me from my classroom and she even roped in my mum to help. I was dragged there many times since then. My mum would hold me down and choke hold me until I open my mouth. The nurse would wave this thick string in front of my face and threaten to tie me down. This all happened when I was 7-9 years old. I lived in terror in those few years. The school dental service was free so my parents, despite my begging, refused to bring me to a private pediatric dentist. When I was 10, I put my foot down and just refused to go and threatened suicide if they dragged me. Eventually, after several near disasters, my parents realised that I was serious and they stop trying to drag me there. 

I am now 18 and I realise that I am no longer a child and no one will hold/tie me down but those traumatic experiences have scarred me. I cannot walk past a dental clinic without cringing and feeling the need to run away. I cannot say the word dentist out loud. And next Tuesday, I am finally going to have to go. Delaying will only make it worse and at least I am dragging 2 of my best friends with me. Pray for me and help me get through this alive. If I survive this, it will be one step closer to chasing away the demons. 

The lights snap on and the curtain lifts...

... and I step out of the wings, onto this stage. Life is a stage and I am an actress. Let this blog be another act or scene to my life. An act or scene where, perhaps, I can act less and show more of my true self. Imagine the hush that falls across the audience as I walk, slowly, deliberately, to center stage. The air is filled with tension. The audience have no idea what I am going to do or say. In a dramatic stage whisper, I tell you the story of my life. The show is unscripted, raw, painful to watch at times yet heart-breakingly beautiful at others. Welcome to my blog.


I am a girl with big dreams... some dreams feel like they are implanted into my mind while others are truly my dreams.. overall, I am a rather complicated person, too complicated to be described in one blog post, but I shall do my best. I am still in high school, I have a good memory and tend to do well in exams, especially biology. People sometimes envy me for my grades but what they don't know is that every time I study for an exams, I push myself so hard I feel that I lost a part of my soul in the process. People see the As but they do not see the pain behind the As.

Ballet is my life. There is a long story behind why I love ballet so much but that story is for another day. Currently, in order to study for my final exams in my final year in high school, I have stopped my dance lessons. But once a dancer, always a dancer. The moment my exams end, I'm going back to the studio and losing myself in dance.

I am a very arty person. I love theater, visual arts, dance etc etc. Funnily enough, I'm taking mostly science subjects in school. Of course, my parents have something to do with that. I consider myself lucky, to have a home, have food on the table, but it is in the human nature never to be satisfied. I long for freedom. My parents are strict and they dictate every aspect of my life. About one more year to college and to freedom!

Books are also another essential part of my life. I love to read. All kinds of books, from classics to trashy romances, even Fifty Shades. Haha! If not for books, I would just be like any other teenager whose life revolves around studies, friends and parents. I love to contemplate human nature and often, I have many random thoughts popping into my head. Nietzsche is a crazy but cool guy, in my opinion. Not surprisingly, half of my "friends" only have the vaguest idea that Nietzsche is a random German philosopher.

Life, to me, is a beautiful tragedy. I imagine life as a beautiful woman with scarlet lipstick and nails, lounging on a crimson couch and watching the world at her feet. She laughs at our petty troubles, randomly choosing to help some people while tormenting others with even more obstacles. We humans are merely little specks of dust in the grand scheme of things. Nevertheless, this does not mean that our lives don't feel real to us. We define our lives and ourselves. The trouble is, we don't often know how to do so. I am trying, at this very moment, to do that. Just sharing my life helps, which brings us back to my blog.

I am going to post really random things that happen in my life and one day, many years down the road, I will look back and laugh at myself. For now, I invite you to share my joys, my tears and my fears.